However, push me an inch out of that trusty zone of comfort and my body rushes with adrenaline, the old anxiety kicks in and I get so self-conscious I'll either become a mute or just can't stop talking nonsense. I'll get so self-conscious I'll even worry about the way I'm walking or the way my hands are positioned(!) That may sound ridiculous to the majority of people, and yes, it probably is, but when that feeling comes over me I feel very aware of every little thing I say and do.
This kept happening more frequently to me recently. I've just started a new job this year in HR, something I've not really done before, but is a great opportunity and I've no doubt it will be challenging. I applied for it on a whim and didn't think I would get it, so when I was offered the role I was excited but then that pesky low self-esteem started to creep in.. "Do you really think you can handle a job like this? You're rubbish at speaking to people and you've got a job in HR?! You won't last, you'll end up making stupid mistakes, you're not confident enough for this, everyone will be judging you." And that's just the start of it.
I was fed up of it. My low self-esteem is not as bad as it used to be thanks to many-a-counselling session, but every now and then, that negative voice creeps in again telling me I'm not good enough.
So, I've made a few.. I don't want to say resolutions (because I never stick to those), but lifestyle changes. Changes in my way of thinking. To help me on my way to pushing myself and becoming more confident, I joined the gym, and I'm happy to say I have stuck at it. I know.. I know, it's only been 12 days, but the change inside me is amazing. I feel like I have more energy, I feel more positive and productive throughout the day. It doesn't only help me physically, but mentally too. Those endorphins are bloody marvellous. Don't get me wrong, I get extremely self-conscious when I'm in there and only end up doing half a workout sometimes, because I think everyone is watching me. I know they're not. They couldn't care less if my lunge was a little bit wobbly, or my squat wasn't deep enough. I'm sure they are more focused on working on themselves to judge how out of breath I get from being on the cross trainer for two minutes.
A massive challenge for me is meeting new groups of people. I'm fine one-to-one, but when there is a small group I start to feel a bit panicky and conscious about what I say for fear of making a fool of myself . Every job I've been in I have found it's taken me a month or so, to really settle in and relax before I can be myself, because I don't know anyone and it cripples me. So much so, that people always seem to comment on it after a few months, "You were so quiet when you first started, you were like a different person!"
In this job now, not only am I working with a new team of people, but it's people in senior positions to me on the most part, which makes it even more daunting. I try to push myself out of my comfort zone each day whilst in work. Even if it's something little, such as making the effort to say hello and speak to someone I don't know. Typing this sounds absolutely absurd, I'm 22 and I struggle to muster up a conversation with someone?
I wish I was naturally confident in social situations like many of my friends are. I wish I could be that girl who makes friends really easily with her charm, wit and well-timed jokes from the get-go. I wish I could walk round confidently with a friendly smile on my face all the time rather than having to deal with resting bitch face because my brain is worrying about whether everyone noticed that weird waddle I did a minute ago when I walked past them.
But I'm not that person, and that's ok. As long as I'm pushing myself, and allowing myself to grow each and everyday I'll be the best version of me I can.
Lucy x
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