Owning your feelings

Sorry it's been a while seen my last blog post. A lot of change has happened over the last few months and I haven't had the urge to blog until now. I have been working on myself as of late and it has been challenging to say the least.

I want to talk about mindfulness today... Some people will think it's a load of old spiritual nonsense, and I certainly never thought I would be blogging about something like this but from first hand experience I can tell you now it does work if you set your mind to it (forgive the pun).

Do you ever find yourself sitting there with a thousand thoughts whizzing around your mind? For me, they make me feel anxious and because I am so consumed within these thoughts I become very unproductive. I'm very good at masking what I am feeling and I probably suppress a lot of my emotions which is definitely not healthy!

Mindfulness is a way of slowing your brain down and focusing on one thought at a time. Acknowledge what you're thinking and feeling. So for instance, "Ok, I feel really pissed off" or "I'm feeling anxious right now!" Then delve into these feelings deeper and ask yourself why you feel like this. I have a journal which I write in so I can see my thoughts in front of me. It helps to bring up the emotion you are feeling and to process it. You then should ask yourself questions from an outsider's perspective.

For example, I've got my journal in front of me now and can see a couple of months ago I wrote the following:

I feel worried and anxious, because I feel useless at work and that I'm not stepping up to the mark in my new job.

Do others feel the same way? What can I do to stop feeling like this?
No-one has told me I am doing anything wrong and I need to remember I have only been in this new job a few weeks. It's something I have never done before and I still need to learn the routine. 

Evaluating and owning what I had written down made me feel so much better afterwards. It is also nice to look back on to see how far I have come since then. In fact a few days after writing that in my journal, my boss praised me on what a good job I was doing. Using this technique has really helped me when I've been feeling distressed or anxious as it allows me to express myself in small bursts rather than letting all the negative feelings build up inside me.

I may not be the best at explaining this, but if you just search for mindfulness through any search engine there is tons of information to read upon. I would also recommend the book 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck. It's touches on this and how to grow spiritually and understand yourself.

Thanks for reading.

Lucy x

University chewed me up and spat me out...

Hello, just me again! For some reason, I am finding it harder to write this post than the first one, but alas, I will march on. So continuing from my last post where I spoke about my first experiences with depression I will now follow on from when I left high school. For a year or so after leaving high school, I would say my depression then would have been mild/moderate and I did have my bad days, but it was a lot easier to cope with everyday life and it didn't impact on my life as much as it would do later on.

I then decided to go to university when I was 19. I'd always wanted to go and was looking forward to getting out of my home town and meetings lots of new people. The first couple of months were great and I got on with my flatmates well. I enjoyed the majority of what I was studying and was a typical Fresher really. Here are a few pictures..

As time went on and I had began to settle into uni life, I began to feel withdrawn and slowly began to isolate myself to my room more and more. Being a fresher meant I was consuming copious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis to which would make me feel worse in the long run. It got to the point where I would cry in my room wondering what was wrong with me and why I felt this way. I was great at putting on a happy face in front of my friends, but as soon as I locked my bedroom door it was like a dark cloud came over me and negative thoughts would consume me. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I just be normal? I knew I was pretty well off compared to some people and my life could have been 100 times worse than it was. However, I felt like I was in a downwards spiral and it got to the point where I wanted to end my life. 

It wasn't so much that I wanted to stop living, but I just didn't want to deal with the pain anymore. I had a feeling of guilt all the time and I could just be driving and I'd just want to drive my car off the road. It was made all the more harder as I hadn't known my flatmates that long, so it was difficult to find someone to talk to. It took one very drunken night for me to have a breakdown in front of my flatmate, Steph (in the bottom picture, I don't know if I ever thanked her for helping, but she did more than she probably knows) to realise I needed to get help. 

The next day I went to the doctors and sat in the waiting room nervously. I looked around me, there were elderly people spluttering, mums with their young children, then there was me. I nearly had second thoughts about going in to speak to the doctor, because I looked fine, there wasn't anything physically wrong with me. I felt like I would be wasting their time. After a long wait, my name was finally called and as soon as I sat down in the doctor's office I burst into tears. All the pain I had felt over the last few years was finally coming out in a short ten minute appointment. The GP was actually really helpful and prescribed me with some antidepressants straight away and advised me to go see my University counselor as it would be a lot quicker than waiting to see someone through the NHS.  After leaving the doctor's office it was a bittersweet moment as I did feel like I had been listened to and taken seriously, but it also made me acknowledge the severity of the situation. 

At this point, my family had no idea what was going on. Why would they? I was around 70 miles away from home and saw them about once a month. I decided the easiest way for me to tell them would be my e-mail, so that night I told them how I had been feeling, what I had been through. I told them that I was suicidal and that I needed to come home. Deciding to drop out of my university course was one of the hardest decisions I had to make as since the age of 14 I had been gaining experience and doing extracurricular activities to support me in my chosen career - I was studying Bioveterinary Science, eventually wanting to become an veterinarian. It's all I wanted to do since I was in primary school, so giving up the opportunity was difficult but looking back now was definitely the right decision.  

I nervously waited for a reply the next day and lo and behold my mum had sent me a heartfelt e-mail back telling me to come home so she could help me. The most important thing for me was that she didn't feel guilty for not knowing the way I had felt, and I hope that she didn't. Getting that e-mail made me want to help myself, so I went to the university counselor once before I left. I was a bit dubious as my experience in high school with the counselor wasn't the best. This time, however it was completely different and I learnt a lot about myself in the space of an hour. She advised me to contact the mental health team back in my home town when I left so I could be put on the waiting list straight away.

Have you ever struggled with your mental health at university or when you made an important life decision i.e. career change? How did you cope?

Talk soon,

Lucy x

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

It's been a while since I have used a blog. The last time was when I was about 14 and I would post deep and emotional song lyrics (in italics of course) and fill out the list of meaningless questions in those "About you" quizzes for my thousands of fans who were sitting on the edge of their seat wanting to know if I preferred showers or baths (although you definitely cannot beat a lovely, hot bubble bath topped off with candles and a glass of wine).

I have been debating whether to start a blog up again, but I've really just done this for myself to get my thoughts down and express myself. If it helps anybody along the way, well then that's just swell! A major part of subjects I will cover in this blog is my own personal experiences in regards to mental health. To be fair, there will never be a set topic, I will just go with the flow. However, due to mental health being an important topic for me I feel I must stress what this blog is not.

This blog will not glorify self-harming as I have seen on many Tumblr accounts before and neither is it a place for me to try and get pity. Believe me, I have enough self-pity to last me a lifetime! It is also not a place to get expert advice... I'm merely sharing my experiences/thoughts/feelings as I think not only will it help me to write it down, but someone might read it and realise they are not alone in their struggle. Now that is out of the way, I suppose I better share some of my story...

I have really battled with depression since the age of around 14 years old (although I didn't know at the time) and I was finally diagnosed in January 2013 at the age of 19 as having moderate to severe depression and anxiety. Being told I had depression was really hard for me to deal with, I didn't feel normal,  I felt like a freak. I found that mental health was never really discussed, it seemed like a taboo subject and god forbid if you mentioned anything about suicide.

But I think maybe I should go back to the start when I first started to feel unhappy. There was a big event in my life that affected myself and my family in completely different ways. My eldest brother, Carl passed away in 2006, aged 19 after battling cancer. I was 13 at the time and thinking back now I don't think I understood the seriousness of what was happening. Undoubtedly, losing my brother was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, but it was also just as hard to cope with the change in the family dynamics in the house. Now, I don't want to go into anymore detail with regards to the above as I feel some things need to be kept personal and in respect to my family too. The important thing is, that this is probably where my "issues" were first triggered.

In school, I found it hard to express my real emotions and always found I would just play the joker instead in front of friends. I was so confused in my head as to what I was actually feeling and it was very frustrating. It got to the point where I would cut my arms, which on the most part would have been for attention - a "cry for help" if you will. Looking back at it now, I saw it as my way of saying I was unhappy without actually having to have that conversation with my parents, school teachers or friends. It was never enough to cause any major damage and I was not suicidal.

I did start seeing the school counselor, but I found it difficult to talk to her and hated the long gaps of silence she would leave to see if I would say anything. It was much easier for me to make a joke or change the subject and smile like everything was fine. This was pretty much all I remember from high school with regards to feeling depressed.

I am aware of how long this post will end up being, so on my next post I will talk about the next chapter so to speak (I am loving the clichés at the moment) and what happened once I had left school.

Bye for now,

 Lucy x