Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
A few things I’ve learnt about myself over the years… I tend to forgive others fairly easily, but forgiving myself maybe doesn’t come as naturally, oh, and I’m the world’s worst procrastinator.
Not forgiving yourself can cause all sorts of issues in the
long run. It can make you feel ashamed, guilty, not good enough. Over time, I
have gotten better at this and it feels like a literal weight has been lifted once
I know I’ve truly forgiven myself for something.
Sometimes forgiving yourself for certain things doesn’t take
as much effort, whilst other things it can take years to get past. Here’s a
list of few things that I’ve forgiven myself for so far:
1.
Being messy.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say
it again – it’s an organised mess! OK, maybe not, but I’ve tried with all my
might, including attempting to replicate the admirable kitchen shelf organisation
of Mrs Hinch, to thanking my pile of clothes multiple times prior to Kondo’ing
the shit out of them, before giving up and stuffing them in a drawer. Don’t get
me wrong, I’ve not completely given up on attempting to be a tidy person… I’m
just not going to be feel bad about it not coming naturally to me. I know deep
down if I was tidier, I would feel less stressed, but sometimes I just want to
come home from work and binge-watch Crazy-Ex Girlfriend on Netflix ok (100% worth a
watch by the way).
2. Being an all-or-nothing gal
My mum always told me that I’m either
going at 100 miles an hour juggling multiple hobbies/projects at once, or I’m a
complete sloth. I guess I do have peaks and troughs of motivation and creativity
and that creative spark doesn’t always come completely naturally, I have to
work hard at it. Paul has to remind me sometimes to relax and chill, because I’m
always looking to read, learn and develop my skills, particularly around
blogging at the moment. I feel like I can tell when I need to stop before I
experience a burnout these days, but when I was younger I probably didn’t
recognise the signs of when to stop. We
all work in different ways and I find working under pressure helps me, much to
the dismay of Paul’s nerves. I could probably do with a bit more balance in my
life, but I won’t beat myself up over it and I quite enjoy the passion and motivation I start to feel once I get my teeth into something that interests me.
3. Having high expectations of people
I say high expectations... I
guess it’s more so treating people how you want to be treated and when that
doesn’t happen it can be quite disheartening. I wonder if I’m being
unreasonable and seek validation for why I feel a certain way and can start to
overanalyse. But I know now that as long as I’m treating others the way I want to
be treated, then that’s all I can control and if someone lets me down I can
learn from it for the future, but it's not a bad thing to have expectations.
4. Not progressing with the traditional full-time
university option
Most people may already know, but
I started a full-time university course in Bioveterinary Science but ended up
leaving after approximately 4 months. I do sometimes think of where I would be
now if I had seen the course through to the end, but then I remember how much
has changed and how I’ve grown in that time. I worry I’ve missed out on some
great social events and memories from not staying at university, but at the same
time I’ve been able to make completely different memories and it’s unlikely I
would have met Paul if I had taken a different path (pass me the sick bucket). If
I hadn’t had gone to full-time university for those short 4 months, I wouldn’t have planned the trip to Ghana to work on a veterinary placement as I wanted
to strengthen my application. I probably wouldn’t have developed the type of
work ethic I have, by pushing myself to apply for extracurricular
activities and voluntary work to gain more experience. It’s contributed to the
person I am now. University isn’t for everyone, but I found that The Open
University worked for me as it meant I got to work and earn money whilst I studied. So, although it took a couple of tries and I'm slightly late to the graduation party, I've gotten there in the end (well, very nearly, 3 more assignments!!)
5. Making bad decisions when I was younger
I was a bit of a wild child
during my teens and there used to be stuff that I gave myself a hard time for. It
sounds weird, but I sometimes try to imagine a teenage version of me (they use
this type of technique in counselling sometimes) and what I would say to her
now. It can be quite therapeutic to do, because 15-year-old me had a completely
different mindset to 25-year-old me.
Writing letters to yourself can
be therapeutic and good for your mental health if you are experiencing guilt or
pain. The old saying “take your own advice” is key here. You’ll also find that when
you write to your younger self, you will be kind and compassionate like you
would be if it was a friend. Sometimes our inner voice can be harsh and critical
so getting something down on paper to reflect upon can help. Making bad decisions
is all part of being human and you learn and grow from them.
6. Thinking I’m not good enough
There’s been a couple of opportunities
in the past that I’ve let slip through my fingers as I didn’t feel I was worthy.
Still, to this day I have my moments of self-doubt and experience imposter syndrome,
particularly when it comes to a new job.
Again, a way to get past this
trail of thought is by asking myself “if a friend was asking me this question,
what would I advise”. Most of the time it would be “go for it, what’s the worst
that can happen!” By forgiving myself for not thinking I’m good enough, I’m now
able to believe I am worthy and anything that does come my way I worked goddamn
hard for, it’s not just down to luck.
Another thing that’s helped me forgive
myself is by caring less about what people think and becoming more honest. I’ll
call out shitty behaviour if I think it is and I’ve started to believe that what
I have to say counts for something.
7.
Being
socially awkward at times
There’s been so many awkward moments but looking back at them now they make me
laugh. I have a dry sense of humour and there have been times where people may have
not have completely gotten that… can lead to some awkward silences.
I still feel anxious at times in
social settings and I’m definitely not an expert at small talk (one thing I’ve
always envied Paul for is the way he can literally speak to anyone). However, I embrace
it these days that I probably do come across a little bit odd to some people – but how
every odd and socially awkward person would say “who wants to be normal?!”
8. For my embarrassing drunken behaviour
Man, oh man I don’t have enough
fingers to count the amount of times I have experienced the dreaded beer fear
over the years. I rarely drink these days (maybe 1-2 a month at most), which
can make the effects of alcohol even more impactful. When these occasions
happen, I tend to think about the night (or what I can remember of it) over and
over until I get myself into a sorry state of affairs. 99% of the time what I
have imagined in my head is a lot worse than what actually happened (unless my
friends are just being nice to soften the blow), and it’s made me cautious of
what to avoid drinking and how much I can handle (I basically just need to
avoid shots at all cost). Yep, I’ve been a mess and yep, I’ve paid the price in
the morning. There’s always going to be someone who has done something worse and
I’ve learnt not to ruminate on mistakes.
What have you forgiven yourself for lately? Is there anything that comes to mind that makes you feel guilty or ashamed? Let me know in the comments, or let your younger self know in that letter you were thinking about writing.
Lucy x
