“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” - Paul Tillich
For most of my life, I’ve always been the type of person who
needs time on their own to recharge my batteries. There’s nothing I prefer more
than to spend time reading a good book, going for a walk, having a prolonged bubble bath to the
point my fingers look like prunes or trying my hand at creative writing. Yes, I’m
a secret introvert which has it’s good and bad qualities. I take time to
reflect on things and make time for myself. But it also means I spend a lot of
time thinking, maybe over-observing. It means I can get feelings of anxiety when
having to socialise and takes me longer than others to “warm” to people. And at
the end of a hard day, I just need my quiet time, alone.
I know I enjoy solitude when I’m in a relatively good
headspace. Solitude is being ok with being alone. For me, it’s that feeling of
hygge when you spend a little bit of extra time lighting some crackle-wick candles
(ASMR all day), making a space feel cosy, playing some relaxing music with a
log fire burning. Being in solitude makes me feel confident in myself, knowing
I can be happy and content on my own.
On the other hand, I’ve had my share of experiences of loneliness. If I’m honest with myself, I know I’ve felt like this fairly
recently. And I don’t feel like I’ve got a lot to complain about, I’ve got my
boyfriend, my friends and family. I know that it is currently just my state of
mind – it can make me feel drained, anxious and my whole thought process becomes
negative. I become self-conscious and feel helpless. Being the self-analyser
that I am, there will be a number of factors of why I’ve felt like this. One of
them is I’ve started a new job and being the new person is never fun. Don’t get
me wrong the team I work with are great, but for someone like me who can
unfortunately doubt myself at times, it means I find change quite difficult.
When people think of loneliness, some instantly picture an elderly
person living on their own, but that’s not necessarily the case. You could be a
young person around large groups of people every day at your job which in some
cases can make you feel even more alone. I think a cause of loneliness is the
feeling of a lack of connection. As social creatures, we always strive to
connect with someone and want to feel understood. We are always looking for that
“spark” or that person you feel like you’ve known for years when it may have
only been a matter of weeks. Some people are lucky to experience that – whilst others
aren’t. The rise in popularity of social media can exacerbate feelings of
loneliness as you scroll through what is essentially the highlight reel of
someone’s life.
There are so many people who have experienced loneliness at
some point, but nobody ever talks about it, so ironically we all end up experiencing
loneliness alone – go figure. Considering research has shown that prolonged loneliness
can increase your risk of death, I find it strange that people are reluctant to
talk about the lonely elephant in the room. In my
case, I’m lucky that I have people to talk to and a good support network to
confide in and I’ve learnt to speak out when I start to feel like this. Whether
it’s a Whatsapp message, a chat over a cup of coffee or a phone call, I know I can
rely on my friends to listen and they can rely on me.
If you’re someone who doesn’t feel like they have anyone to
talk to there are so many places you can turn to and people who will listen. I always mention this charity but Samaritans are great if you just need to
speak to someone without judgement. I’ve used them before and just having
someone listen to me made such a difference. There is also Elefriends, run by the charity Mind which is a supportive online community if you need a safe space to
speak to someone.
So, whether you're an extrovert, introvert or somewhere in
between, remember it’s normal to feel lonely sometimes and don’t blame yourself
for feeling that way. With acceptance, comes peace so if you acknowledge that
you do feel lonely you may feel more open to talk to someone and you’ll realise
that the feeling is temporary and solitude feels so much better.
Lucy x
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