Being real + the reality of depression

I apologise for any rambling that ensues in this post, I’ve had a sudden urge to write, late on a Sunday evening and so here it goes. At the moment, I feel like I am in a really good place. I feel I have lots of energy, like the only way to describe it is like a fire has been ignited inside me. I feel effortlessly positive. I’ve got into the habit of acknowledging what I’m grateful for and I finally feel like I’m starting to find myself. I’m recognising what my values are and who I want to be. Well, I guess it’s who I already am, but it’s actually being able to show everyone that ‘real self’. This can easily be hidden by being the joker or being stupid, which I guess I still do, but I also think that I’ve grown in ways where I recognise I am doing this and can check myself.

I wouldn’t say anything has changed drastically in my life to feel this way. I’ve just changed my mindset and mindset, I have found, is a powerful thing. I’ve had certain things happen as of late, that I really could have let get me down, but having this positive mindset and trying to see the good in everything (not as easy as it sounds at times) has really helped me. It’s brought me opportunities, it’s motivated me and I feel like having this mindset also gives off an energy to other people and can inspire them. It’s all to do with the Law of Attraction, but that’s something I can get into in another post (type it into Google and there are TONS of videos on it). The basic concept is like attracts like. If I’m positive, real and genuine with people, then these are the types of people I will attract into my life. Being real and genuine can be mean different things, to different people. To some people, it may mean saying what you think when you think it and not being two-faced. To me, it means being open and truly honest with yourself and others, by really knowing what your values are and living by them. Not letting people sway or pressure me to do things or think things that may divert me from living to my values. I’m currently working on a plan to really live up to my values and it makes me excited for the future and where I vision myself in a years’ time and even 5-10 years’ time.

The reason I wanted to bring up the reality of depression through my experience is that in earlier posts I don’t feel I really went into detail into how this really felt. Some people may feel sad and say they are depressed, when they aren’t. Although there is a lot of information out these days about depression, and in line with trying to stay real and live up to my values, I wanted to be really honest about how it felt without trying to sensationalise it.

When I think about the time I fell into my depression, it felt like I was a different person. Thinking about it now, I felt like a fly on my bedroom wall watching myself. Once I made the decision to leave university, I came home and stayed in bed for two weeks with the curtains drawn. I don’t think I showered for at least a week in this time. I would lie in bed under the covers, with the TV for background noise. I wouldn’t even pay attention to it (Not even Jeremy Kyle revealing the lie detector results so I could find out if the guy who was accused of sleeping with his sister’s, best friend’s Mum was telling the truth could make me concentrate), I’d just stare into space. My eyes were sore from being tearful and crying a lot of the time. This would come on in waves, and nothing in particular would set it off. I remember my Mum coming in my room, to check if I was ok. She’d bring me drinks, suggest things for me to do and made sure that I had taken the antidepressants I had been prescribed the week before. I would just grunt and say ok, yet not move a muscle.

I feel like it must have been really frustrating for my family to not know what to do to help me. At the time, I may not have shown it, but knowing they were there if I needed them is probably one of the things that helped me out of my depression. My Mum, by nature is a helper and I remember her googling how to help someone who is depressed which showed me that she was desperately trying to understand what I was going through.

My room became a cocoon, and the four walls surrounding me became the end of my comfort zone. I’m trying to really find the right words to describe how it felt just lying in bed for that length of time. I felt like a zombie and numb. It was as if the inner me had shrunken right down to the size of a thimble, and my body was a big, empty shell. One of those prominent memories, that stays with me is when I finally ventured out of my bedroom after a week to force myself to eat. I had eaten barely anything in days and anything I had eaten was forced down me. I lost quite a lot of weight over a very short space of time. This made me feel weaker and further worsened my mood. Any task I did I felt like I was doing in slow motion as it took such effort. Anyway, I decided, whilst everyone was out of the house I would attempt to make myself… spaghetti on toast. Now, this doesn’t sound like a big deal at all, but for someone who was depressed, it was like being told to run up a mountain without stopping. I know this all sounds very dramatic, but this is how depression affected me.

I did successfully make the spaghetti on toast, and tried to make it look presentable on the plate to encourage my appetite. I took two or three mouthfuls, again even chewing my food seemed to take double the time because I was so lethargic and slow. I put the knife and fork down on the plate, and burst out crying. I felt pathetic, I couldn’t even eat a plate of spaghetti on toast. I remember crying so hard at the table, and it even makes me tear up now thinking about it as I just feel so sorry for that person. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it was all going to be ok and that I should be excited for what the future will hold. The food went in the bin and I returned back to the safe place which was my bed. As gross as it sounds, I didn’t wash for at least a week, barely brushed my teeth and trying to get dressed for the day was an impossible task. When you’re depressed, none of that matters anymore, you don’t care about your personal hygiene or how you look, because in my mind at the time, what was the point?

Towards the end of the second week, when the antidepressants started to take effect, I started to see a very small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. With a lot of encouragement from my Mum, who even offered to wash my hair for me, I took a shower. After being holed up in my room, a shower had never felt so good. I think I still had a cry whilst washing myself, but looking back now, I truly felt this was the start of me coming out of my depression. From then on, I gradually got out of bed more often, I watched some motivational/inspiring videos on YouTube and I also kept a diary of how I was feeling and what I thought about everyday. I still have that diary now, I feel it’s therapeutic to reflect on how far I have come.

So there you have it. If anyone does read this who is going through a depression, I truly mean it when I say that how you feel right now is just temporary and you will get through it. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it when you do. A good thing about depression (I told you, it’s this positive mindset) is that you experience how it feels inside to hit rock bottom. It gives you the best possible opportunity to work on yourself. I don’t know about other people, but I couldn’t hide behind a mask anymore when I was in the depths of my depression. It’s a raw, profound feeling, but to get through it makes you so much stronger. I think I’m about to burst into song now and start singing Fighter by Christina Aguilera… It wouldn't be a proper blog post if I didn't insert a related GIF now would it?

Thanks for reading.

Lucy x

The most time wasted in life, is the time spent worrying about what people think of you

I feel inspired to write tonight. This definitely doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I have an assignment due in less than a week that I haven't started yet. The truth is, I feel really bloody happy at the moment. I've been trying to think of the words to encapsulate how I am feeling. 'Content' is a good one. At this point in my life I think this is the most comfortable and confident I've ever felt within myself. And all whilst I'm single - I never dreamed in a million years I would feel this way on my own...

Without sounding like a full-on femi-nazi it feels really empowering and I feel for the first time that I can truly be myself, even in front of people I don't know. This may sound strange, but for me this was quite a big deal. I've always found I've been very closed off from people I don't know that well. I felt I could never fully relax and be myself as I think first impressions are really important and I was always worried about people not liking me.  I spoke to many of my close friends about this as I thought it was interesting what their perception of me were, compared to someone's who didn't know me that well was. I feel the two perceptions were very different. Acquaintances would be 'shocked' by some dirty joke I would make because 'they didn't think I was like that' whereas my friends wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I feel now that I warm to people a lot quicker and can hold a conversation with strangers with ease (for the most part!) This is quite a challenge for someone who has suffered with anxiety. I don't know what specifically has caused this change. The only thing I can think of is that I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone (see previous posts) and as cliché as it sounds.. it's really worked!

I just feel really positive at the moment and grateful for everyone and everything in my life. Here's a GIF of me dancing badly... I call it the 'Fuck what people think of me' dance. Try it, it's contagious!

Lucy x

You should go and love yourself: Learning how to be happy on your own

Although it’s sad to admit, I can’t be the only person that has felt, at times, that to be happy I need to be in a relationship and with someone. As a 20-something, I am guilty of serial dating, since the age of 16 I have been in relationships, and when I wasn’t, I was going on dates hoping to find my next victim Mr Right. I never really gave myself the opportunity to be alone, in a way, I think I was scared of it.

It saddens me to think that throughout my life, the only time I really felt “happy” was when I was validated by a man. I never once thought that, that validation could come from me. I have just come out of a relationship and although it ended mutually, I started to feel the pangs of fear of how I would now cope being alone. Not having that one person to call or text early hours of the morning, to cuddle with or to complete all the plans that you had made together was overwhelming.

Following the breakup, I went out with one of my friends to get really drunk and let my hair down as most young women typically do. After some tequila shots and cocktails, I was feeling positively tipsy and my friend and I ended up dancing the night away, singing and generally just being silly as below.

In the back of my mind, the night could have gone a completely different way. Whilst nursing my bruised ego and trying to accept the fact I was now single, I could have tried to impress some overconfident, befuddled gentleman. I could have then faced the risk of rejection or I could have sought the temporary validation that I felt I needed from someone else.

It felt empowering, to internally feel that I didn’t care if I had any attention from the opposite sex and felt comfortable enough to be alone and feel “single” if that makes sense! Once you start to care less, you take the power away from anyone else to try and fulfil your own happiness. I now felt that I could start making myself happy and all the while learn to be happy on my own.

I’ve started to think about all the possibilities and opportunities I could create for myself such as travelling. I’ve found when in a relationship a lot of time is spent in the “relationship bubble” where it’s all too easy to get comfortable to the point where you start to see your friends less and you end up doing the same things week in, week out with your partner. This would be the perfect opportunity for me to work on myself, maybe try a new hobby now I have time to fill which was originally spent in that bubble. I feel the more things I try, the more I’ll get to know myself, it will give me the opportunity to meet new people and it will help shape what I want for my future. The possibilities seem endless!

As the old saying goes you should love yourself before you start looking for love. Before having this change in mindset, I did find I probably stayed in some of my relationships longer than I should have, just due to the fact that I didn’t want to be alone. I felt that, that would have made me unhappy, whereas ultimately, I already was.

So, here I am, I’m single. Not ready to mingle. But ready to better and love myself – and have a bloody good time doing it. 

Lucy x

Stress and Anxiety Takeover

So as you can probably tell by the title, this blog post is going to make me look rather hypocritical compared to the last one I posted about looking after your wellbeing. I know we all have peaks and troughs throughout life and you’ve just got to learn to just “ride the waves” and any other unhelpful metaphors I can think of – but sometimes that’s just not possible, especially if you’re an anxious person. 95% of the time I can deal with the twinges of anxiety and stress that I feel, but sometimes it can just consume you.

I like to think I can handle stress quite well and I have quite a high tolerance to it. My mum always told me that I live life in the fast lane and I’m either doing nothing or doing 100 things at once. At the moment with my full time job and studies I feel like she’s probably right. I thought I was managing well, I’ve been going to the gym regularly (for the most part) and I’ve even started on a course called ‘Discovering Meditation’. I had my first class last week and it proved extremely difficult for me to concentrate on my breathing when I’ve got two assignments and a huge workload in my job too.

I went to the library yesterday with the thought in mind to get a good chunk of one of my assignments completed and so I feel like I’m ready to tap on that keyboard as fast as Bruce Almighty after a cup of fresh mountain grown coffee from the hills of Columbia. *cue GIF*

But alas, writer’s block came and slapped me in the face and I was left feeling disheartened and I felt my cortisol levels rising within me with every read through of the essay question. I ended up walking back to my boyfriend, Ben’s flat with him and could feel myself getting more and more irritable and anxious. The sounds of the street performers in the town that wouldn’t usually phase me were echoing through my head and made me want to run back to the safety of Ben’s abode. When we got back to his flat I lay on the bed and just ranted and cried to about how unhappy I felt, how I had no social life and I felt like a woman on the edge! Having a little cry actually helped relieve some of the tension I was feeling but I still felt like a failure. I was so frustrated, I was looking after my well-being wasn’t I? Exercising regularly, meditating – isn’t this what is meant to make you happy and zen-like?

I realised then that no amount of deep breathing will help – my workload is just too much. Ever heard of the elastic band metaphor? (just to throw another one in there ;] ) The elastic band is our brain, and when we are exposed to a tolerable amount of stress the elastic band just stretches a little bit and then can revert back to it’s original relaxed shape. However, if we over stretch the band we run the risk of it breaking or we may be able to withstand it for a while but eventually it will wear out.  

I think this is what had started to happen to me, so I’ve been thinking of ways I could counteract it. At the moment I tend to bring a lot of stress from work home with me which I know I shouldn’t and when someone asks me to do something I just add it onto my list of things to do without a thought. I’ve decided I need to start being more assertive and to start saying no. It seems so simple but I am a self-confessed people pleaser so I know I will find it challenging, but in the long run I need to think about me. It doesn’t even need to be a direct ‘no’, it could be “ok I can do that for you, but I’m really busy at the moment so it probably won’t be done until such a time”. So, that’s my challenge for this week.

I'd like to hear what you think, if anyone does read this. How do you cope with stress and anxiety? Any advice on how to stop people pleasing would be gratefully received too!

Lucy x

The Science of Well-being

Warning! Long and wordy blog post, forgive me. 

So I'm currently studying Psychology and as of late I've been reading up on something called 'positive psychology', which partly looks at what us humans need to be 'happy'. Kind of ironic, seeing as this studying lark is making me want to tear my hair out. Now, if you asked me what I needed to be truly happy right now I would probably say the following:

• £1,000,000,000 give or take 
• An unlimited amount of chocolate to attempt to satisfy my insatiable cravings
• A pony 
• Another pony to keep that pony company
• A nice, chilled glass of wine 
• A bigger pair of boobs (which I suppose I wouldn't have to worry about if I already had the funds, I'm not asking much)

Apparently, although I'm pretty sure all of the above would give me that *little* boost, money ain't all that... and probably none of the other 100 materialistic things I could reel off to you are either. 

Without getting to wordy and technical, we all have a set-point or default level of happiness, usually determined by our genes. This set-point is a stable measure and usually doesn't waiver too much unless major life events occur i.e. death of a relative. However, after a certain period of time a healthy  person would return to that default level of happiness eventually. This set-point counts for 50% of our  overall happiness.

So that's 50% accounted for... Our life circumstances which includes our education level, martial status, income, culture etc. makes up a mere 10%of our overall happiness. I couldn't believe this when I first read it as to me, money = happiness. Money would solve most of, if not all my problems. A study by Diener and Oishi surveyed thousands of students across 41 countries and they found people who valued love more than money reported a far higher life satisfaction than those who were money-orientated.

Of course, winning £1,000,000,000 would make me very bloody happy. However, although changing life circumstances could increase my happiness in the short term,  us humans are good at becoming habituated to our circumstances very easily. This means that although your happiness would improve, it would go back to your stable level of happiness quite quickly.  It's called hedonic adaptation for all you fellow nerds out there. For example, I remember upgrading my car from a rusty, old Ford KA to a nearly new Ford Fiesta. Well, when I drove that car off of the forecourt, I wanted to put my shades on, roll those windows down and and blast my music (I wanted to, but I didn't. I'm not a complete nobhead). For the first few months, it felt good and it made me happy to drive that car. A year has passed and now I look at it and I don't get that special feeling I used to (special feeling? car fetish alert). This was because, I was used to it, I'd become accustomed to it. I know a Ford Fiesta and one billion pounds are quite different things, but the process is just the same.

The last 40% of our overall happiness is made up by something called intentional activity. These are things we commit to and practice to enhance our happiness and well-being. This could be things like giving yourself that break even if it's an hour to destress and do something you enjoy whether that be play sports, or pamper yourself in the bath.

It also includes mindful thinking, such as gratitude. A simple exercise that helped me when I was feeling low was at the end of the day to think of three things that I was grateful for that day... I'm forever grateful for Channing Tatum for example.

In all seriousness, it really does help and because you're thinking of all the things you are grateful for, you stop thinking about the negative stuff! Especially good if you've had a crappy day. I think it's awesome that I can pretty much double my level of happiness by doing stuff I love to do. So I've made a list of things I want to do over the next few months:

• Socialise more with my friends. As we get older commitments get in the way but I really want to put in the effort to arrange meet-ups. 
• Get back into horse riding. It was my passion when I was younger and I loved to do it!
• Have more Lush bubble baths - for me it's the ultimate way to relax
• Carry on going to the gym on a regular basis, remember those endorphins
• Plan more short trips away

So there you have it, that's my list of what I think are quite achievable goals to make myself happier. And I don't think I will need that £1,000,000,000 after all. 

Even just spending 10 minutes reminiscing about what makes you happy makes you feel good in the moment. If you do make a list of intentional activities let me know what is on yours :)

Lucy x

Sources:

Diener, E and Oishi, S (2000) Money and Happiness: Income and subjective well-being across nations 

Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein Securities Limited 2004, http://www.lifecho.com/files/happiness.pdf

Getting out of your comfort zone

I really quite like my comfort zone. It feels... well... comfortable. When I'm in my comfort zone, I'm confident, bubbly and I feel positive. I'll be cracking jokes, acting the clown and relaxed within myself.

However, push me an inch out of that trusty zone of comfort and my body rushes with adrenaline, the old anxiety kicks in and I get so self-conscious I'll either become a mute or just can't stop talking nonsense. I'll get so self-conscious I'll even worry about the way I'm walking or the way my hands are positioned(!) That may sound ridiculous to the majority of people, and yes, it probably is, but when that feeling comes over me I feel very aware of every little thing I say and do.

This kept happening more frequently to me recently. I've just started a new job this year in HR, something I've not really done before, but is a great opportunity and I've no doubt it will be challenging. I applied for it on a whim and didn't think I would get it, so when I was offered the role I was excited but then that pesky low self-esteem started to creep in.. "Do you really think you can handle a job like this? You're rubbish at speaking to people and you've got a job in HR?! You won't last, you'll end up making stupid mistakes, you're not confident enough for this, everyone will be judging you." And that's just the start of it.

I was fed up of it. My low self-esteem is not as bad as it used to be thanks to many-a-counselling session, but every now and then, that negative voice creeps in again telling me I'm not good enough. 

So, I've made a few.. I don't want to say resolutions (because I never stick to those), but lifestyle changes. Changes in my way of thinking. To help me on my way to pushing myself and becoming more confident, I joined the gym, and I'm happy to say I have stuck at it. I know.. I know, it's only been 12 days, but the change inside me is amazing. I feel like I have more energy, I feel more positive and productive throughout the day. It doesn't only help me physically, but mentally too. Those endorphins are bloody marvellous. Don't get me wrong, I get extremely self-conscious when I'm in there and only end up doing half a workout sometimes, because I think everyone is watching me. I know they're not. They couldn't care less if my lunge was a little bit wobbly, or my squat wasn't deep enough. I'm sure they are more focused on working on themselves to judge how out of breath I get from being on the cross trainer for two minutes. 

A massive challenge for me is meeting new groups of people. I'm fine one-to-one, but when there is a small group I start to feel a bit panicky and conscious about what I say for fear of making a fool of myself . Every job I've been in I have found it's taken me a month or so, to really settle in and relax before I can be myself, because I don't know anyone and it cripples me. So much so, that people always seem to comment on it after a few months, "You were so quiet when you first started, you were like a different person!"

In this job now, not only am I working with a new team of people, but it's people in senior positions to me on the most part, which makes it even more daunting. I try to push myself out of my comfort zone each day whilst in work. Even if it's something little, such as making the effort to say hello and speak to someone I don't know. Typing this sounds absolutely absurd, I'm 22 and I struggle to muster up a conversation with someone? 

I wish I was naturally confident in social situations like many of my friends are. I wish I could be that girl who makes friends really easily with her charm, wit  and well-timed jokes from the get-go. I wish I could walk round confidently with a friendly smile on my face all the time rather than having to deal with resting bitch face because my brain is worrying about whether everyone noticed that weird waddle I did a minute ago when I walked past them. 

But I'm not that person, and that's ok. As long as I'm pushing myself, and allowing myself to grow each and everyday I'll be the best version of me I can.

Lucy x

Owning your feelings

Sorry it's been a while seen my last blog post. A lot of change has happened over the last few months and I haven't had the urge to blog until now. I have been working on myself as of late and it has been challenging to say the least.

I want to talk about mindfulness today... Some people will think it's a load of old spiritual nonsense, and I certainly never thought I would be blogging about something like this but from first hand experience I can tell you now it does work if you set your mind to it (forgive the pun).

Do you ever find yourself sitting there with a thousand thoughts whizzing around your mind? For me, they make me feel anxious and because I am so consumed within these thoughts I become very unproductive. I'm very good at masking what I am feeling and I probably suppress a lot of my emotions which is definitely not healthy!

Mindfulness is a way of slowing your brain down and focusing on one thought at a time. Acknowledge what you're thinking and feeling. So for instance, "Ok, I feel really pissed off" or "I'm feeling anxious right now!" Then delve into these feelings deeper and ask yourself why you feel like this. I have a journal which I write in so I can see my thoughts in front of me. It helps to bring up the emotion you are feeling and to process it. You then should ask yourself questions from an outsider's perspective.

For example, I've got my journal in front of me now and can see a couple of months ago I wrote the following:

I feel worried and anxious, because I feel useless at work and that I'm not stepping up to the mark in my new job.

Do others feel the same way? What can I do to stop feeling like this?
No-one has told me I am doing anything wrong and I need to remember I have only been in this new job a few weeks. It's something I have never done before and I still need to learn the routine. 

Evaluating and owning what I had written down made me feel so much better afterwards. It is also nice to look back on to see how far I have come since then. In fact a few days after writing that in my journal, my boss praised me on what a good job I was doing. Using this technique has really helped me when I've been feeling distressed or anxious as it allows me to express myself in small bursts rather than letting all the negative feelings build up inside me.

I may not be the best at explaining this, but if you just search for mindfulness through any search engine there is tons of information to read upon. I would also recommend the book 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck. It's touches on this and how to grow spiritually and understand yourself.

Thanks for reading.

Lucy x