8 things I've forgiven myself for

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

A few things I’ve learnt about myself over the years… I tend to forgive others fairly easily, but forgiving myself maybe doesn’t come as naturally, oh, and I’m the world’s worst procrastinator. Definitely should be writing an assignment right now.

Not forgiving yourself can cause all sorts of issues in the long run. It can make you feel ashamed, guilty, not good enough. Over time, I have gotten better at this and it feels like a literal weight has been lifted once I know I’ve truly forgiven myself for something.

Sometimes forgiving yourself for certain things doesn’t take as much effort, whilst other things it can take years to get past. Here’s a list of few things that I’ve forgiven myself for so far:

1.      Being messy.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – it’s an organised mess! OK, maybe not, but I’ve tried with all my might, including attempting to replicate the admirable kitchen shelf organisation of Mrs Hinch, to thanking my pile of clothes multiple times prior to Kondo’ing the shit out of them, before giving up and stuffing them in a drawer. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve not completely given up on attempting to be a tidy person… I’m just not going to be feel bad about it not coming naturally to me. I know deep down if I was tidier, I would feel less stressed, but sometimes I just want to come home from work and binge-watch Crazy-Ex Girlfriend on Netflix ok (100% worth a watch by the way).

2.    Being an all-or-nothing gal

My mum always told me that I’m either going at 100 miles an hour juggling multiple hobbies/projects at once, or I’m a complete sloth. I guess I do have peaks and troughs of motivation and creativity and that creative spark doesn’t always come completely naturally, I have to work hard at it. Paul has to remind me sometimes to relax and chill, because I’m always looking to read, learn and develop my skills, particularly around blogging at the moment. I feel like I can tell when I need to stop before I experience a burnout these days, but when I was younger I probably didn’t recognise the signs of when to stop.  We all work in different ways and I find working under pressure helps me, much to the dismay of Paul’s nerves. I could probably do with a bit more balance in my life, but I won’t beat myself up over it and I quite enjoy the passion and motivation I start to feel once I get my teeth into something that interests me.

3.    Having high expectations of people

I say high expectations... I guess it’s more so treating people how you want to be treated and when that doesn’t happen it can be quite disheartening. I wonder if I’m being unreasonable and seek validation for why I feel a certain way and can start to overanalyse. But I know now that as long as I’m treating others the way I want to be treated, then that’s all I can control and if someone lets me down I can learn from it for the future, but it's not a bad thing to have expectations.

4.    Not progressing with the traditional full-time university option

Most people may already know, but I started a full-time university course in Bioveterinary Science but ended up leaving after approximately 4 months. I do sometimes think of where I would be now if I had seen the course through to the end, but then I remember how much has changed and how I’ve grown in that time. I worry I’ve missed out on some great social events and memories from not staying at university, but at the same time I’ve been able to make completely different memories and it’s unlikely I would have met Paul if I had taken a different path (pass me the sick bucket). If I hadn’t had gone to full-time university for those short 4 months, I wouldn’t have planned the trip to Ghana to work on a veterinary placement as I wanted to strengthen my application. I probably wouldn’t have developed the type of work ethic I have, by pushing myself to apply for extracurricular activities and voluntary work to gain more experience. It’s contributed to the person I am now. University isn’t for everyone, but I found that The Open University worked for me as it meant I got to work and earn money whilst I studied. So, although it took a couple of tries and I'm slightly late to the graduation party, I've gotten there in the end (well, very nearly, 3 more assignments!!)

5.    Making bad decisions when I was younger

I was a bit of a wild child during my teens and there used to be stuff that I gave myself a hard time for. It sounds weird, but I sometimes try to imagine a teenage version of me (they use this type of technique in counselling sometimes) and what I would say to her now. It can be quite therapeutic to do, because 15-year-old me had a completely different mindset to 25-year-old me.

Writing letters to yourself can be therapeutic and good for your mental health if you are experiencing guilt or pain. The old saying “take your own advice” is key here. You’ll also find that when you write to your younger self, you will be kind and compassionate like you would be if it was a friend. Sometimes our inner voice can be harsh and critical so getting something down on paper to reflect upon can help. Making bad decisions is all part of being human and you learn and grow from them.

6.    Thinking I’m not good enough

There’s been a couple of opportunities in the past that I’ve let slip through my fingers as I didn’t feel I was worthy. Still, to this day I have my moments of self-doubt and experience imposter syndrome, particularly when it comes to a new job.

Again, a way to get past this trail of thought is by asking myself “if a friend was asking me this question, what would I advise”. Most of the time it would be “go for it, what’s the worst that can happen!” By forgiving myself for not thinking I’m good enough, I’m now able to believe I am worthy and anything that does come my way I worked goddamn hard for, it’s not just down to luck.

Another thing that’s helped me forgive myself is by caring less about what people think and becoming more honest. I’ll call out shitty behaviour if I think it is and I’ve started to believe that what I have to say counts for something.

7.      Being socially awkward at times

There’s been so many awkward moments but looking back at them now they make me laugh. I have a dry sense of humour and there have been times where people may have not have completely gotten that… can lead to some awkward silences.

I still feel anxious at times in social settings and I’m definitely not an expert at small talk (one thing I’ve always envied Paul for is the way he can literally speak to anyone).  However, I embrace it these days that I probably do come across a little bit odd to some people – but how every odd and socially awkward person would say “who wants to be normal?!”

8.    For my embarrassing drunken behaviour

Man, oh man I don’t have enough fingers to count the amount of times I have experienced the dreaded beer fear over the years. I rarely drink these days (maybe 1-2 a month at most), which can make the effects of alcohol even more impactful. When these occasions happen, I tend to think about the night (or what I can remember of it) over and over until I get myself into a sorry state of affairs. 99% of the time what I have imagined in my head is a lot worse than what actually happened (unless my friends are just being nice to soften the blow), and it’s made me cautious of what to avoid drinking and how much I can handle (I basically just need to avoid shots at all cost). Yep, I’ve been a mess and yep, I’ve paid the price in the morning. There’s always going to be someone who has done something worse and I’ve learnt not to ruminate on mistakes.

What have you forgiven yourself for lately? Is there anything that comes to mind that makes you feel guilty or ashamed? Let me know in the comments, or let your younger self know in that letter you were thinking about writing.

Lucy x

Sex, Drugs & Birth Control

It's time for us to have the talk... I've been meaning to do it for a while, but keep putting it off as I don't want to embarass you... or me come to think of it.

Talking about sex doesn't have to be uncomfortable, so let's chat.

I've just gotten back from the Sexual Health Clinic. The place where everyone sits with their heads down and eyes to the floor. Practically performing a miming act for the receptionist in the hope no one recognises them whilst fearing that Septa Unella is going to turn up with her bell of shame and order them to march down the corridor in front of everyone as they make their way to the nurse's office.

The reason I was there today was because I needed to get my old contraceptive implant removed, and a new one fitted. My trusty hormonal steed had reached his expiry date and was to be evicted from the comfort of my flabby arm ASAP. I waited patiently in the waiting room with my friend who was also coincidentally seeking advice about her contraception. Whilst, we were waiting there was a couple behind me and the woman was doing that whisper that is so loud she might as well have just spoken freely and saved herself the effort. Her exact words being "Why is the NHS so shit", "That woman has been in already and she has just gone back in", "So, they've seen 4 people in 1 hour". Now, I've always been passionate about the NHS, granted, recent events have probably fired up my passion further, but something about her comments really irritated me. This wasn't just a passing comment, she spoke about this at length. The NHS had suddenly become the younger sibling I never had, how dare she speak badly about it!? I had to defend it.

So, in my most passive aggressive manner, I started to discuss with my friend how great the NHS was... "Hmmm, I wonder how much it would cost in America for me to get the implant, boy am I glad I've got the NHS so I can get it for free". (By the way, we googled this in the waiting area... turns out up to $1300 to get the implant inserted and up to $300 to get it removed. Yes, you can get health insurance, but even that can still be expensive - check Consumer Reports for ideas on cost). The funny thing is, when this woman so high on her pedestal was eventually called by the nurse, she spent the same length of time in the clinic with them, if not longer, as the people before her. Oh, the hypocrisy.

I was eventually called by a lovely nurse called Steve. He was friendly, put me at ease by basically taking the piss out of the fact I worked in HR, and expressed how disappointed he was by the first Queen album (we'll put our differences aside Steve). Now, I choose to have the implant as it suits my lifestyle - I forget to take the pill, the injection caused me to have a period every other week and so the implant was the third contraception I tried and settled on. It's probably important to point out at this stage that not one contraception will suit everyone's bodies and people will react differently. Here's a list of a few different types of contraception you can try (this list isn't exhaustive) and the benefits of each taken from the NHS website. More information can be found here.

Contraceptive Implant

Pros

• More than 99% effective
• Once fitted, it doesn't need replacing for 3 years
• Good for women who can't use contraception that contains oestrogen

Cons

• Can leave some bruising and tenderness on your arm when initially inserted
• Can sometimes stop your periods altogether
• Doesn't protect against STIs

"Here's one I made earlier..." The one I had removed today, around 4cm long.

Contraceptive Injection

Pros

• If used correctly, it's more than 99% effective
• Lasts 8-13 weeks, so you don't have to think about contraception every time you have sex
• Good for women who can't use contraception that contains oestrogen

Cons

• It involves getting an injection in your arse... may be a con to some
• Can take up to 1 year for fertility to return to normal after the injection wears off
• Doesn't protect against STIs

Combined Pill

Pros

• When taken correctly, it's more than 99% effective
• Can make periods lighter and less painful
• Can reduce symptoms of PMS
• It can help reduce acne

Cons

• You have to remember to take it at the same time everyday
• It can increase your blood pressure
• May be some temporary side effects at first i.e. headaches, breast tenderness
• Doesn't protect against STIs

Intrauterine device (IUD AKA the coil)

Pros

• Can be more than 99% effective
• There are no hormonal side effects
• It protects against pregnancy for 5-10 years depending on the type

Cons

• It can feel uncomfortable when fitting the coil (the coil is inserted through the cervix and into the womb)
• Periods may become heavier, longer or more painful, though this may improve over a few months
• Doesn't protect against STIs

Male Condoms

Pros

• 98% effective when used correctly
• Help prevent STIs
• No medical side effects 
• Easy to get hold of 

Cons

• Some couples find using condoms can interrupt sex
• They sometimes may split or tear if not used properly
• Some people may have allergies to latex or spermicides

I get that most people will already have their preference of contraception, but not everyone knows about the options available to them and what each one entails. There's a a contraception tool on the Brook website to help advise what the best type of contraception may be for you. I hope this helps inform everyone what is available and remember, it is both sexual partners responsibility to ensure they have safer sex. I'm not gonna lie, I felt like a bit of badass walking out of the clinic with this bandage on my arm... I even asked for a sling to gain more sympathy from my boyfriend, but got told that was overkill. I got a commiserating look from Paul when I got home and he offered me a custard cream -  I guess that will have to do.

Lucy x

Loneliness vs Solitude

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” - Paul Tillich

For most of my life, I’ve always been the type of person who needs time on their own to recharge my batteries. There’s nothing I prefer more than to spend time reading a good book, going for a walk, having a prolonged bubble bath to the point my fingers look like prunes or trying my hand at creative writing. Yes, I’m a secret introvert which has it’s good and bad qualities. I take time to reflect on things and make time for myself. But it also means I spend a lot of time thinking, maybe over-observing. It means I can get feelings of anxiety when having to socialise and takes me longer than others to “warm” to people. And at the end of a hard day, I just need my quiet time, alone.

I know I enjoy solitude when I’m in a relatively good headspace. Solitude is being ok with being alone. For me, it’s that feeling of hygge when you spend a little bit of extra time lighting some crackle-wick candles (ASMR all day), making a space feel cosy, playing some relaxing music with a log fire burning. Being in solitude makes me feel confident in myself, knowing I can be happy and content on my own.

On the other hand, I’ve had my share of experiences of loneliness. If I’m honest with myself, I know I’ve felt like this fairly recently. And I don’t feel like I’ve got a lot to complain about, I’ve got my boyfriend, my friends and family. I know that it is currently just my state of mind – it can make me feel drained, anxious and my whole thought process becomes negative. I become self-conscious and feel helpless. Being the self-analyser that I am, there will be a number of factors of why I’ve felt like this. One of them is I’ve started a new job and being the new person is never fun. Don’t get me wrong the team I work with are great, but for someone like me who can unfortunately doubt myself at times, it means I find change quite difficult.

When people think of loneliness, some instantly picture an elderly person living on their own, but that’s not necessarily the case. You could be a young person around large groups of people every day at your job which in some cases can make you feel even more alone. I think a cause of loneliness is the feeling of a lack of connection. As social creatures, we always strive to connect with someone and want to feel understood. We are always looking for that “spark” or that person you feel like you’ve known for years when it may have only been a matter of weeks. Some people are lucky to experience that – whilst others aren’t. The rise in popularity of social media can exacerbate feelings of loneliness as you scroll through what is essentially the highlight reel of someone’s life.

There are so many people who have experienced loneliness at some point, but nobody ever talks about it, so ironically we all end up experiencing loneliness alone – go figure. Considering research has shown that prolonged loneliness can increase your risk of death, I find it strange that people are reluctant to talk about the lonely elephant in the room.   In my case, I’m lucky that I have people to talk to and a good support network to confide in and I’ve learnt to speak out when I start to feel like this. Whether it’s a Whatsapp message, a chat over a cup of coffee or a phone call, I know I can rely on my friends to listen and they can rely on me.

If you’re someone who doesn’t feel like they have anyone to talk to there are so many places you can turn to and people who will listen. I always mention this charity but Samaritans are great if you just need to speak to someone without judgement. I’ve used them before and just having someone listen to me made such a difference. There is also Elefriends, run by the charity Mind which is a supportive online community if you need a safe space to speak to someone.

So, whether you're an extrovert, introvert or somewhere in between, remember it’s normal to feel lonely sometimes and don’t blame yourself for feeling that way. With acceptance, comes peace so if you acknowledge that you do feel lonely you may feel more open to talk to someone and you’ll realise that the feeling is temporary and solitude feels so much better.

Lucy x

ICU & The Relative's Room #3

Before reading: I spoke to my Dad about whether I could write about this experience and he was fine with it and got the chance to read it before posting here. I've also just included information about the experience for me and some parts about my Dad, but some information may be missed out to maintain privacy for other family members and friends.  

The next few days were probably the worst for me. I was fixated with the numbers on the screens next to my Dad's bed. A rush of adrenaline would come over me in waves with every tormenting beep of the monitors. I tried to chat to family and staff as normal, but my attention was quickly brought back to the flashing numbers on the screen.

I'd look around, the nurses would appear calm and unfazed, the consultants would continue their conversations with their teams. I'm sure they must be used to the panic-stricken look on the relatives' faces every time there was a slight change in the patient's condition. In all honesty I didn't know what all the numbers meant, and Google was not my comforting friend when I tried to find out.

My Dad went for another x-ray which showed that his lung was a complete "white-out", which they figured was the reason for his decline. A decision was made to insert a drain into the lung, within which 5 litres of fluid came gushing out. Some of the nurses said they had never seen so much come out of one lung - the relief of pressure must have been immense.

At this point, he was still in an induced coma, however it's not good to keep someone induced long-term and so they decided to try and bring him round and see how he coped being awake with the breathing tube in. I remember we all sat round anxiously whilst we waited for him to come around. Cue our slight overreaction when he started moving his hand and lifting his arm off the bed, to which the nurses responded "He is allowed to move his arms" - fair point.

What I've learnt from the ICU is that there will always be setbacks and you need to be prepared for them. My Dad had to be induced again, because he wasn't coping with just having a breathing mask on. We then had to give permission for them to perform a tracheostomy on my Dad. For those that don't know, a tracheostomy is quite a common procedure (particularly in the ICU) where an incision is made to the windpipe so a tube can be inserted to help someone breathe. This can also be attached to a ventilator if additional oxygen is required.

It was nerve-wracking waiting to see my Dad after having the trach put in and the thought was always in the back of my mind that he could potentially need a trach for life. However, it was the best decision we made as he could finally be taken off the sedation and start to work on his recovery. They could also let my Dad speak by controlling airflow to flow over the vocal chords. I remember the first time they used this and he kind of just nodded and went "Alright", like it wasn't a big deal and that we hadn't just been watching him lying motionless in bed for the last two weeks.

From there, physiotherapists came to see him to help build up his muscle as he had a lost an extreme amount of weight. Eventually, he was discharged from the ICU and taken to a respiratory ward. Once the trach could be removed he was then moved to a general ward. I remember one of the days we came to see him he just suddenly hobbled out of bed to go to the toilet. I remember we all looked at eachother like "WHAT?!", but hey, I guess my Dad is allowed to walk too.

In mid-December my Dad was discharged from hospital and thankfully, we got to spend Christmas together at home. The one good thing that came from this whole ordeal is that my Dad has finally  quit smoking (I've only been badgering him for the last 20 years to quit). I feel like it's definitely brought us closer together as a family and we have opened up more.

For my Dad, the worst part was the hallucinations he had. It turns out he was hallucinating the whole time he was in the ICU. He thought all of the doctors and nurses were there to kill him and I can only imagine how scary that must have been when you're not lucid. Like being in a nightmare where you can't escape. To this day, I think the hallucinations have impacted him, but a recent visit to the ICU for a follow-up helped him confirm that what he thought he saw wasn't real. Out of everything we saw him have to go through, I never thought that, that would be the worst part of his experience.

Me and my Dad, approx. 2 months since he was discharged. 

Now the focus is on my Dad getting stronger and I'm trying not to be too overprotective or worry so much, but it's always in the back of my mind. I cannot thank the NHS staff enough for saving my Dad in such a critical situation, from the care they gave to him, to the support they gave to our family. Once my Dad had been moved to another ward from the ICU, it was frustrating that there wasn't that same one-to-one care and there would be times my Dad would have to wait a long time for certain things but unfortunately that's where the NHS is under resourced and it scares me to think what would have happened without it. If we had to pay for the treatment my Dad received, I imagine it would have been in the £10,000s at least. Please don't take the NHS for granted and don't take your parents for granted either - I know I won't.

Lucy x

ICU & The Relative's Room #2

Before reading: I spoke to my Dad about whether I could write about this experience and he was fine with it and got the chance to read it before posting here. I've also just included information about the experience for me and some parts about my Dad, but some information may be missed out to maintain privacy for other family members and friends.  

We arrived at the hospital and went to go and find the ICU - thank god for the colour-coded corridors. Once we got there we had to press a buzzer to be let in and a nurse greeted us at the door. My stomach churned at what I was going to see. The nurse explained to Paul and I that we may be in for a shock (considering we had only seen and spoken to my Dad less than 12 hours before) and that his breathing had gotten worse over night to the point he was becoming disoriented, and this is in turn was making his heart work overtime which was exhausting for his body. 

You know in films where they use a zoom effect to make a corridor appear longer? That's what it felt like walking towards my Dad's cubicle, everything slowed down. When we got around the curtain, it was kind of what I was expecting, there were lots of tubes, lots of beeping, the regular rhythm of the ventilator - it was a sensory overload. My Dad was in an induced coma and the fixer in me was screaming internally. I remember desperately wanting to ask the nurses what I could do to help, "Oh, is it time for more injections? Here, let me", "Does he need a new lung? Oh, that's lucky - I've got two!" That was one of the biggest challenges for me, not being able to help. 

Every so often my Dad had to be moved into a different position to prevent him from getting bedsores, so when they had to do that we were ushered out into the relative's room which required a code to get in and consisted of sofas, a toilet, a TV and a hot drinks machine. It was always exciting using the hot drinks machine as you never knew what you were going to get... You press the button for hot chocolate? You got a coffee. You pressed the button for coffee? You got what looked like sewage water, and it changed most days. In the end, we brought in our own teabags and coffee and kept it in the room - I needed something strong and stable (that didn't involve Theresa May) each day, even if that just meant a guaranteed decent cup of tea. 

Our lives for the next 2-3 weeks completely changed and the days consisted of visiting my Dad twice a day and trying to force food down me. If I could do that then the day was a success. There would be days we would laugh and chat whilst sat with my Dad, there were days where we didn't feel as strong and sat quietly. I remember about 1 week into my Dad being in ICU, I  decided to go and visit on my own. I hadn't been sleeping any of the previous nights and wanted some time alone. The nurse looking after my Dad spoke to me and asked how I was doing and I just cried. I cried hard and it even makes me teary-eyed thinking about it now. The nurse said something to me that I still think about now. She said, it's important that you're emotional in front of your family, you don't have to try and hold it together (not that I was successful at this) all the time. They need to know it's OK to cry too. 

I don't know why, but it really hit home for me. Even in a completely different context, say you're having a shit day and someone asks how you are. A lot of the time we do just say we are fine, because it's easier and we don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. But, maybe we do need to start being more honest about our emotions and what's on our minds. I'm always ready to listen to anyone who needs to talk and people have done this for me in the past who I am so grateful to. The saying a problem shared is a problem halved couldn't be more fitting and by doing this it may encourage more people to ask for help.

My Dad and I, a few years ago.

Back from the tangent and to my Dad. He started to get a little better in terms of the amount of oxygen he was taking in on his own and how much support he needed from the ventilator. Overnight, however, he took a turn for the worse. One thing I learnt is that there is nothing more unsettling or stomach clenching then a Doctor closing the curtains of the cubicle and taking a seat in front of you with a sympathetic look on their face. All the progress my Dad was making, to then be told that it wasn't good news and essentially they didn't know whether they would be able to wean him off the ventilator. A world without my Dad was inconceivable and I wasn't strong enough to deal with it. 

ICU & The Relative's Room #1

Before reading: I spoke to my Dad about whether I could write about this experience and he was fine with it and got the chance to read it before posting here. 

The reason I wanted to write about this was to share an honest experience of what it was like having a family member in ICU with others and for my Dad's own insight too. Now this will probably be quite long so I'll split this over a few seperate posts. 

For those that don't know, in November 2018 my Dad fell seriously ill. It all started off with what I thought was going to be a normal day out. It was a Saturday and we were finally going to watch the Bohemian Rhapsody movie with my Mum and Queens #1 fan, my Dad. I hadn't seen my parents for around 2 weeks, but I knew my Dad had been off work with a chest infection. Of course, when I heard this I moaned at him for the 10,000th time to stop smoking once and for all. 

My Mum and Dad parked up in the cinema carpark and I could immediately see my Dad was not well. He looked jaundice, had lost weight and looked in a lot of pain. His breathing was laboured and he could only walk a few steps without running out of breath. After me asking him multiple times if we should call off seeing the film, my Dad said that he was ok and wanted to still see it... Literally nothing would come between him and his love for Queen it seemed. After what seemed a lifetime, the film was over and my Dad looked like he was still in a considerable amount of pain. It was after the film when we were sat having food that he decided to tell us all that he thought his lung may have collapsed that morning!

We made the decision to take him home and called an ambulance from there. We followed him to A&E where he was treated as a priority and taken to a cubicle where he was given an oxygen mask. For anyone who knows my Dad he likes to joke around and so every now and then he would do things that would make me jump up with panic and start laughing through his breathlessness. After a few hours the Doctor advised that he would be moved to a general ward for over night monitoring. We said goodbye and I felt reassured that he was in the right place and that he'd probably be given stronger antibiotics and be discharged the next day. 

Around 5am the following morning, I got a call from my Mum to tell me my dad had been moved to Critical Care (aka ICU) and to get to the hospital as soon as possible. My heart sank and I instantly broke down. I had literally spoken to my Dad less than 12 hours before and what was I going to do when I got there? Was I going to say goodbye? Luckily, my boyfriend Paul was on hand to drive me to the hospital (we may have broken a few speed limits). All I knew about ICU was what I had seen on the TV. I was terrified of what I was going to be walking into and whether I'd get there in time. 

Girls in Work - Live

Photos provided by @soph.rosie

In an effort to understand how I can put my stamp on my new job and to meet like-minded women, I attended the Girls in Work - Live event yesterday. Girls in Work was launched by Sophie Rosie in March 2018 and is an online resource for career women with an aim to empower, inspire and motivate (as taken from their site). Sophie organised the event along with her friend Emma and they most definitely pulled it off. I was so happy I got a ticket and felt it was worthwhile attending - if only to give me that kick up the arse I needed to go out there, work hard and be the best version of me I can.

I'd not been to an event like this before and was a little anxious initially, however I had two of my good friends with me to chat and drink tea out of cups and saucers (with the obligatory pinky finger) and we got to know some of the other attendees. The location for the event was beautiful, with cakes and gift bags laid out on the table. The room had been decorated with candles and fairy lights that provided the perfect ambience for the upcoming insightful panel discussions that were going to slap me hard in the face with inspiration and intrigue! Who doesn't love alliteration, am I right?

The panel consisted of four women, all in different roles and stages of their careers. The first panelist was Julia Day, the Founder of Easy as VAT and The Independent Girls Collective.

Instagram: @independentgirlscollective

It was interesting to hear about her "lightbulb" moment when she decided to leave her full-time job to start her own business online. Julia also talked about not comparing yourself to others, like looking at how successful you feel your friends are compared to you and to stay in your lane. I loved this quote as I'm definitely guilty of seeing how well other people are doing and feeling a bit of a failure. It's really not a productive way to think and it's much better to use that time spent worrying what others think, to focus on working as hard as you can and how Julia put it, make yourself irreplaceable.

The second panelist was Jo Baldwin who is a Managing Director for Bauer Media. Jo had worked in the same industry for many years so it was interesting to hear about the different experiences she had as she worked her way through the ranks. With her humour and funny anecdotes, Jo made a lot of interesting points, one being that she doesn't believe in feminine and masculine traits when it comes to women in the workplace. Jo described herself as straight-talking and direct, but that's just who she is and has nothing to do with her gender. She also mentioned a quote someone once told her which I loved so much it got it's own graphic:

The third panelist was the eloquent Kayla Anderson who is a Senior Assistant Editor for ITV, specifically Coronation Street. Kayla talked about the risks she took to get in the role that she is in now, such as originally taking on a 3-month fixed-term contract. When asked what she felt was the biggest challenge facing women who are climbing the career ladder, she expressed one of her main concerns being how going on maternity leave may potentially affect her career growth when she did decide to have children. This was an interesting point for me, not that I plan to have kids any time soon! Just being out of work for up to 12 months is a scary thought for me and I would worry that this would impact my progression. Women are having children when they are older now in order to focus on their careers and I definitely know people who feel like they have had to choose between having children or having their career. Some women manage to do both which is amazing. I'd love to hear other people's thoughts about this hotly debated topic and their experiences on the impact having children has had on their career (if any). 

Photo taken from: @girlsinwork_// Kayla: @kaylaanderson1990

The final panelist was the lovely Sian Sullivan (who had travelled up all the way from London might I add!) who is a Social Media & Community Executive for Liberty Living. Sian spoke about her experience of being the first person in a role that had just been created within Liberty Living. She was honest about the pros and cons of being in this situation, but how she also made herself irreplaceable by getting herself involved in projects she was particularly interested in. She pushed herself outside of her comfort zone when she had to deliver a presentation to hundreds of people, but described this as a great way to develop yourself and to become more confident. 

Finally, Sophie and Emma touched on their experiences which I related too so much. Sophie was studying Accountancy and then changed her mind of what career path she wanted to take towards the end of her exams and now works in radio. You could tell she really loved her present job by how she talked about it. With my own drastic change in degree from studying Bioveterinary Science, then moving to Psychology, which I'm soon to graduate from (sorry to bring it up again), it reminded me of how there is so much pressure on young people to make decisions about their careers  early on in life. Following a question I asked to the panel regarding their experiences of feeling unsupported in the workplace by other women, Emma gave an example of an experience she had with a poor manager. It was interesting to hear how she dealt with this and was food for thought for me. She described how she took positives from her experience and from this it has enabled her to become an even better manager herself. The message was also reiterated around focusing on yourself and not others and that feeling a little bit of competitiveness can sometimes be a good thing if it helps you to challenge and better yourself. Described as one of her favourite quotes, Emma pointed out that a challenge is not a threat, but an opportunity. <-- take note!

Instagram: @soph.rosie

I'm amazed at what Sophie and Emma were able to pull out the bag in such a short space of time, but they have really pulled off their first event. It was a great opportunity to network not only with other women, but women with completely different backgrounds and careers. The event ended with a 10-minute meditation session from Barre Balance who also kindly gifted all attendees a pass for a free class - I wouldn't say I was born with the most graceful of bodies, but I'll give it a go.  I'm excited to hear about future events and highly recommend any women reading this to register for their next one - give their Instagram a follow here so you can stay up to date! I left the event with more confidence in my ability to do my job (recently started a new role and I'm the epitome of imposter syndrome) and was inspired to go into work next week and find out what projects I can get involved in, to focus on myself and make myself truly irreplaceable - small steps can lead to big things. 

If you got this far, thanks for reading and I hope you get to check out some of Girls In Work's future events!

Lucy x

New Year, New Routine

OK, so I may not be consistent at posting (she says over one year on since her last post), but you can always count on me to come back at some point and give my two-cents before slowly retreating back to the land of the uncreative. I would blame myself, but I moreso blame my exams last year and having a needy boyfriend (who I know will probably read this).

Now, 2019 is a special year for me, it’s the year I finally graduate! I have a couple more assignments and then I am free from the grasp of Open University. I can still remember the excitement in 2014 when I received my first set of textbooks and bought lots of new stationary. I wrote in the most perfect cursive script you had ever seen. My beautiful Papermate Comfortmate Black Pen (comfort is what I opt for in most aspects of my life) flowing with ink onto my Pukka Pad Jotta. Perfectly sized letters, perfectly spaced words… until you got to the second page and by that point my hand was hurting a little bit and my writing starts to look like a 5-year olds.

Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed my degree, but it is time I moved onto a new chapter. So, 1 dissertation and a final assignment to complete and then I’ll be a fully-fledged graduate. Maybe I’ll even put the letters after my name when I sign off e-mails, texts, Facebook statuses – I EARNED IT, OK!?

A lady who isn't me having a lot of fun with a post-it note.

Anyway, the real reason for this post was to talk about productivity and routine. I really needed to knuckle down this year and get shit done. The first thing I did was alter my sleeping routine, much to the delight of Paul. I always thought I would focus better in the morning whilst I still have all my energy, so I downloaded an app called Alarmy. This app allows you to set different types of alarms, ones where you have to shake your phone to turn it off, ones where you have to solve mathematical questions to turn it off (I couldn’t even solve them when I was wide awake) and the one that I use, where you have to take a picture of a certain place in the house.

I opted for the sink in the bathroom, which meant I had to get up and out of bed, for fear of Paul kicking me out, and take the snapshot to turn the alarm off. This has really helped me get up straight away without hitting the snooze button. Don't get me wrong there have been times where I have climbed back into bed, but I’ve seen a huge improvement. I started to get up at 5:30am everyday and once I had done this for a week it was so much easier and I found I got so much more done. There is something about being awake before everyone else which is peaceful and just allows me to focus a lot more.

Another app I use is called Forest, now the idea is pretty simple, but effective. You choose how long you want to focus for, from 10 minutes to 2 hours and press “plant”. Whenever you then try to go on your phone a notification comes up saying “Go back to your forest immediately to prevent the tree from dying”. Now I’m the type of girl who will catch a spider in a glass and release it back into the wild. If you think for one second, I’m going to let a pixelised tree die by my hand, then you are sorely mistaken. You don’t just have to use this for studying either, you can also use it for when you want to clean the house without distractions or you want to stop yourself from going on social media so much and scrolling aimlessly. It’s an effective app (and free!) to keep you focused.

Lastly, I’ve also started to exercise more and I find my workout to be more effective when I’m with other people, whether that be with my PT, a friend or even with a Z-list celebrity whilst following their workout DVD. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I’m starting to enjoy being achy the next day after a workout, it makes me feel like I’ve worked harder. So that's it from me for now, I've got some exciting things planned for this year that I'm hoping to document. If anyone has any tips for staying productive, let me know as I need all the help I can get! 

Lucy x

You didn't say no...

With another headline and another woman coming forward everyday with an allegation against the Hollywood film producer Harvey Weinstein, it felt too important to ignore. I read an inspiring article by Brit Marling in The Atlantic, she has such a way with words and so I decided to write a quick poem on the topic of sexual harrassment and assault. I am aware this can happen to men too and don't want to ignore that. The 1 in 5 statistic was taken from the Rape Crisis website.

You didn't say no

A pair of hands upon your shoulders,

Fingers squeeze around your thigh,

Nausea building within your stomach

Your body frozen – a silent cry

The violence that we see in movies

The sensational stories in the news

This isn’t what you’ve yet encountered

And so you find a way to excuse

He says he’s just drunk and joking around,

“All I did was squeeze your bum”

Now look at you silly, overreacting

“Drink some more, we're just having fun”.

Things have stepped up a notch

In this erotic exchange

You leave feeling dirty

And the one to be blamed

If you hadn’t drank so much

Or had shown that much skin

“You really need to be more careful”

Patience slowly wears thin

Guilt and fear begins to mount

You didn’t say no, you must’ve given consent

But you felt pressured and coerced

But still not a no, so the silence leant

Towards the swamp of shame,

You now find yourself stuck

He didn’t physically hurt you

Just put it down to bad luck

But emotional wounds

Take much longer to heal

Angry, confused or upset

You need to check how you feel

1 in 5 women

Too many to count

Consent is a yes

Absent from pressure or doubt.

Self-dependent women

What are the differences between being independent and self-dependent?

Moody picture of me looking independent as fuck.

As quoted from the good old Oxford dictionary, being independent means to be “capable of thinking or acting for oneself”.  Being self-dependent is defined as “reliance on one’s own strengths rather than others”. So, not a massive difference, but there is of course, a difference nonetheless.

I moved out when I was 19, so I think it’s safe to say that by now I am quite independent. Self-dependency, however, has been more difficult to grasp. The need to sponge of others to fulfil my emotional needs is something I am not a stranger to, whether that be through a boyfriend, family member or a friend. I’m lucky in the fact that I have some great friends who have handled my neediness in the past.

I’m in a situation now where my family and closest friends aren’t five minutes down the road for me to see whenever I want or at the end of the phone constantly – and that’s hard. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come on leaps and bounds from years ago where I felt I needed reassurance within everything I did which I think was a result of my anxiety. It’s like I needed someone else’s approval to do something whether it be wearing a particular outfit that for me is quite daring (just wear the goddamn thing) or trying to get other people to help make decisions about my life, because I was too scared to take the risk on my own.

I am the only person who can create my happiness, for which others can then enrich. If I constantly rely on others, I will never be happy. I see and hear about so many people who wanted to do something (myself included), but were waiting for a partner or a friend to get on board. A big one, is travelling. If you do get to go travelling with your best friends, that’s great and you’re very lucky, but not everyone’s stars align at the same time. Not everyone’s circumstances are going to be the same whether that be due to finances, their job, family etc.

We only one get one life and I’m already around third of the way through mine. When I’m old, I want to look back and know that I chose my own story – I didn’t just tag along onto someone else’s. 

Lucy x

The Outfit I Will Never Wear Again

Hi guys, this is a memoir I wrote for a writing competition a few months ago. Unfortunately I wasn't placed but enjoyed writing it all the same and I thought I would share with you - enjoy! Lucy x

The all-too-familiar smell of that warm, yet spicy cologne and the feel of the cotton against my skin as I plunge my arms once more through the sleeves of the dark green checked shirt that’s three sizes too big for me. It hangs on me like the tarpaulin of the crumpled tent we spent three rather damp nights in at a music festival a few years before. It seems such a long time ago now. When we thought, we were blissfully happy and had not a care in the world.

Although I don’t want to, I can’t help but bury my face into the fabric, breathe deeply, close my eyes and remember. Remember the time we went on the spontaneous road trip to Scotland and how we had one too many tequilas and ended waking up the unimpressed guests in the residing rooms with our rendition of “500 Miles” by The Proclaimers. Or the time when, we were on holiday in Portugal and we thought we would be spontaneous and try exciting and exotic foods like octopus. It made us feel adventurous and daring at the time, but hours later we regretted this decision. Ending up curled up in the fetal position, clutching our stomachs and praying for the profound cramps and projectile vomiting to stop. That octopus had the last laugh.

As I cross my arms over my stomach and grasp the sides of the shirt tightly, I imagine feeling your head resting on my shoulder, the warmth of your breath on my ear. Then I feel the bristles of your beard scratch my cheek. I remember how it felt like tiny needles stabbing my skin and how irritating that was. How, whenever you told me you loved me, your eyes wavered as though it caused you pain to look at me, like looking directly at the sun.  When I eventually found out and I told you how much you hurt me, you looked through me like I wasn’t even there. You said all the right things of course, that I was the only one for you. There was nobody else. But then when I questioned this you told me that I had it all wrong and that in fact somehow this was my fault. For six long months, I went on believing this, that I wasn’t good enough and that if only I had tried harder this might not have happened.

Suddenly, the once comforting smell of the shirt begins to slowly repulse me. The cotton no longer feels as soft as it did, but like a scratchy old towel that had been left to airdry for too long. My hands release from my waist. Although the shirt is so big it nearly reaches my knees, I now feel suffocated wearing it. For the last time, I remove the shirt and I smile. I know I am enough.

Peaks and troughs

It’s been a while since I last posted. My studies, work and life in general happened and something had to give. It’s a shame it had to be one of the things I was most passionate about.

I’ve been feeling rather deflated the past few weeks. A lack of sleep, mixed with excessive alcohol consumption (after a week of partying in Marbella), an abundance of caffeine filled drinks and the stress of an exam deadline has proved to be too much for me it seems. I can tell by the flatness in my voice when I speak to people, my heightened irritability, my lack of appetite and energy that I’m not myself. I feel exhausted.

I need to remember that it can’t be sunshine and roses all the time and that depression isn’t just something you defeat for it never to return again. Today is the first day, that I’ve sat down and acknowledged that I don’t feel myself and that I have been feeling low –  but there is nothing wrong with that. And so, I’ve spent the day in bed feeling a bit miserable, but for me that is part of the process. You can’t always just *pick* yourself back up straight away.

Now that I have got a break from my studies, I decided I’m going to focus more on my physical and mental well-being. Part of this plan includes not drinking alcohol for at least 30 days. This may seem easy for some people, but when drinking becomes such a common social activity it can be difficult to get away from. I don’t want this to be misinterpreted, or to come across as if I am an alcoholic – I’m far from it, but I’m getting tired of the heavy weekends out with friends and then ending up wasting the next day and eating rubbish, because I’m too hungover. It will be interesting to see what reaction this gets as I know it will be too easy to be labelled “boring” for trying this out.

The second part of my plan is to be outdoors more, go for walks, try to attend yoga classes, even if it is just once a week. I’m trying not to give myself unrealistic goals and so I feel like I need to make my goals quite basic to begin with. Eventually, I want to see how much money I actually save by not spending money on jagerbombs that give me horrific palpitations the next day. The money that I do save, I plan on booking a few personal training sessions to kickstart my healthier lifestyle. I’m sure many will read this, particularly people close to me well that will probably think this is just a phase, but I really do want to better myself.

I apologise if this post isn’t as engaging and if there is a lack of a “playful” tone, but whilst I felt like this I thought it would be a good chance to write and to acknowledge that everyone has peaks and troughs. The important thing is to talk to people and let them know how you are feeling. Don’t ever think you are burdening someone by telling them how you’re having a shit time as if it’s someone who truly cares about you they will want you to tell them. It doesn’t even need to be a big, scary conversation. I just went through to my Mum when she was watching Coronation Street (obviously this depends on how passionate your parents are about watching the soaps – luckily she has Sky+) and told her that I was feeling run down, stressed out, that I didn’t feel myself and to be honest she said she could tell before I even told her.

It’s good to know that I can have such a normal conversation with her about it, and I feel grateful as I know it’s still such a taboo subject for some. People just don’t feel comfortable getting into conversation with someone when they say they are unhappy. I know I sound like a broken record, but the power of talking, no – even more importantly the power of listening is incredible.

Thanks for reading, hopefully my next post will return to it’s original GIF-filled, sarcastic self.

Lucy x

FOMO and my purpose

Has anyone ever experienced the stress of FOMO? The cognitive dissonance experienced when you really don’t want to miss out on seeing Barbara take down ten jagerbombs in Magaluf and then attempt to win a twerking competition by awkwardly thrusting the air whilst screaming #YOLO…

but at the same time you’d much rather be cuddled up in your Christmas onesie with your dog and bingewatching another Netflix Original series.

FOMO happens to me on a weekly basis. Of course, I want to go out and be a social butterfly. I want to dress up and transform myself into “Weekend Lucy”(it’s kind of like my drag queen alter ego, except my make-up looks shit, and unlike me most drag queens can last in a pair of six-inch stilettos). Living in a city makes it so much harder when there are so many fun events and opportunities to take up and although I’m all for trying new things and socialising, sometimes we just need to slow things down and remember it’s ok to say no to doing something. The reason I bring this up, is because as of late I have felt exhausted and it’s a constant battle trying to balance work and trying to have a social life too.

Over the years, I’ve found it seems to be impressive, if you tell people how busy you are and all the events you have planned. It makes you seem like you have “purpose”. Purpose seems to be a major thing for people to have, particularly in their 20s. When someone asks you, “What are you doing with yourself?”, “Where do you plan to be in the next few years?”, “Do you still live at home?”. All these questions, yet what they are really asking is how much do you have your shit together. I for one, am happy to admit that I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I have no idea what I will be doing in five years’ time. And do you know what? I like it, I like not knowing what will happen with my future. It makes me feel like anything could be possible. All I know is what I’m passionate about right now, one of those things is this blog.

I turn 24 next month and it only feels like yesterday that I was a fresh-faced 18 year-old with bright, bleach blonde hair dancing away, with my main worry being about whether all my friends would get into the bar with me when they forgot their IDs. I will not mention names.  These days, I feel there is pressure to save for a mortgage, buy a house, be dating or in a relationship, be in a career, have a degree. And that’s a lot of pressure for one person to have.

I guess the take-home message for me is do what makes you happy. I’m enjoying life at the moment and I don’t think I’ve achieved any of the above. Now that’s not me bashing people who have bought their own homes, that takes discipline and it is impressive, but it’s not everyone’s idea of happiness. People can get too caught up about worrying about how their future will be shaped that they forget to live for the now. Do things that make you feel empowered, passionate and smile. Want to go to that pole dancing class? GO FOR IT. Want to go to see that film no-one else wants to see? DO IT AND TREAT YOURSELF TO AN EXTRA LARGE TANGO ICEBLAST.  Or maybe you just want to sit in and read a good book? THATS FINE TOO, I RECOMMEND KAFKA ON THE SHORE FYI. I think you get my point and I’ll finish with a quote of one of my favourite writers when I was a child, Roald Dahl, “If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely”.

I just love GIFs ok?

Thanks for reading

Lucy x

Fear - The Time Thief

So this is an attempt at a poem although I'm not entirely sure if it counts as one... Nevertheless here we are. I am trying to make some of my posts more upbeat, and what's more uplifting than a poem about superheroes?

Fear - The Time Thief

Fear is the evil villain you see in the movies

It’s the feeling you get when you talk passionately about doing something

But yet, it never happens

Fear is what prevents that tiny spark

From bursting into a fireball

Instead it flickers and struggles to stay ignited

Fear keeps you within your comfort zone

It stunts your growth whilst you grow into a reclusive

Fear itself can be generous when it wants to be

It gives countless excuses and regrets

Whilst, in turn taking opportunities and stealing precious moments

Fear can make you feel like you will live forever

It’s cruel in this way as it snatches your time

And before you know it you’re thinking

Thinking about all those things you didn’t do

But it’s too late now as you hear Fear’s mocking laughter

It doesn’t need to be this way

For like Kryptonite to Superman - Fear also has a weakness

“Fuck It” is its enemy and “Determination” the sidekick

Their motto? “What’s the worst that can happen?”

They work together to fight doubts and battle worry

And with that change in mindset, things become easier

Life becomes more exciting

Opportunities become limitless

People’s opinions mean less to you now

Whilst you become kinder to yourself

And those around you

And so, the adventures begin.

A visual interpretation of Fear

Thanks for reading

Lucy x